AMERICA2



Graduation day..... Today was the last day of training for the suicide prevention course. We had two men come in and speak to us. The first man was a doctor that talked about the dangers of alchohol and drinking. The second man was a father of a young man that had recently committed suicide. As he was speaking to us he began crying. We were all moved and could just sit there as the man cried as he spoke to us about how and why his son committed suicide. He said that his son went away to college and in this time he got into a Cult. He believes that this was one of the factors that led him to killing himself. He talked of how his son went away to this cult and when he, the father, found out about it, he drove the hundreds of miles there and yanked him literrally out of this cult. Thereafter the son was in therapy to un-brainwash him as sometimes cults brain wash you with their teachings. It seemed like the son was coming out of it until that day they got the knock on the door. As the father opened the door there was a police officer standing there. This police officer asked if he owned this certain kind of car. He then told the father that he had some tough news to break to him. It was then that the father knew that his son had gone through with his threats of killing himself. He had driven off a cliff in the car down by the beach area. I am keeping this location confidential out of respect to the father of this victim. Since that time the father has joined and operated a support group called S.O.S. survivors of suicide. When he was finished with his speech he put his papers in a briefcase and thanked us for being there. During the break I got up to go to the restroom and I met the man who's son had just killed himself. I am keeping his name confidential as I do not know if he would let me use his name. I told him he said an excellent speech and then I asked him what religion he was because I sensed that he was a believer and follower of Christ. He said he was a Christian. I told him I was too. I then said I was really looking forward to meeting his son some day. He looked at me, very pleased and smiled. He then gave me his home telephone number and said if I ever wanted to go to dinner with him and his wife to give him a call. He also talked about a book that his wife was writing about them and their son. After the classes and role plays were over Jay told us that the party was going to be on a yacht in Marina Del Ray. Mark and Julie (2 volunteers like me) and I left early to the party. The time now was about 5:30 p.m. but we all decided since we lived so far away it was pointless for us to go home and then have to come back by the time we got home. So we went to the yacht and October-fest was on nearby. We all went in and had a few drinks and talked. They had some um pa pa music and dancing. There were many booths set up selling drinks, food, candy, you name it. We hung around there for a while until it was time to leave. As we approached the boat we could see Jay was there and so were about 20 people from the volunteer group. Music was playing and everyone seemed to be having a great time. One man who I will call Thor showed up. This guy was a homosexual who was H.I.V. positive. I know because he told us. As I was about to board the boat, Jay said he needed some help carrying a folding table. I said I would help and Thor said he would too. As I walked with Jay and Thor I realized this was the first time in my life I had walked with 2 homosexuals. As we walked to the truck we were all silent. The walk took about 3 minutes and when we got there Jay opened up the back of his truck and Thor and I got the table out of the back. Thor and I began our walk back to the boat now with Jay following us. As we walked back I noticed that one of legs was swinging open on Thor's side of the table. I took hold of the metal leg on the table and tried to force it shut. Thor yelled. I looked and saw that his hand was in between the leg of the table and that was the reason why the leg was sticking out in the first place. I apologized to Thor and he jokingly said Yes, that was my hand. We both laughed and he said "Just go down the dock." We walked on to the dock, down to the boat and I could see all the people there. As the night went on it began to get colder and one of the men there who was a heterosexual (likes women) said "I hate wearing this sweater sometimes because it looks like a girls". His friend jokingly said, you should have worn the skirt that matches. Everybody laughed and as they were laughing I was the only one that noticed Thor's reaction. He looked very sad and was now bowing his head and looking down. I can't figure out what he was thinking but I knew he was sad. Up until this day I sometimes joked around about things like that but now I didn't like the feeling I got when I saw this man, Thor. Even though his beliefs were opposite of mine, and even though I feel homosexuality is a serious sin, this moment changed my outlook forever. The confusion this man Thor must have felt, the loneliness was quite evident in his eyes. Those eyes haunt me to this day. But now I sit here typing these pages on my computer at 10:50 p.m. on October 24, 1994. I have driven hundreds of miles back and forth from West Covina to Los angeles. Many hours of intense seminars, tests, and embarrassing role plays are now going to be put to use. This Friday I will be "on the line" as they say. All this training will rush together as I sit there waiting for the call. Then that telephone will ring and it will be my time to listen. Through the callers pain, anger, anguish or any of the many emotions that he or she will be going through I will be there too. It is written in the bible, blessed are two that walk together for if one stumbles there will be another to lift them up but if one walks alone who will help them when they fall? They say that once you become a counselor on the line your life will never be the same. MY FIRST NIGHT I got off work at 7:00 p.m. and I was scheduled to go in to the suicide prevention center at 12:30 a.m. to 6:30 a.m. I had rested enough  hours before I went so I felt up to it. As I drove on the freeway to the center I began thinking of many things. Would I freeze up? Was all the training they put me through be sufficient? Most importantly, I didn't want to lose any lives through some mix up in my words. Although these thoughts were constantly there, I tried always to maintain a faith that I would do o.k. I told myself before I began writing this book that everything I write will be truthful so I must tell you this. As I pulled into the center I was nervous. Very nervous. As I pulled up to the center you must understand that there is a security gate that has a camera fixed to it. This gate is operated by a person from the inside of the building. There is a secret code and something that you do to get them to open the gate for you but obviously I am not allowed to give out this information here. After using this code the gate opened. It does not open by swinging open but rather like a garage door opens. After it opens you drive up an extremely steep hill that spirals around to the right until you are all the way up top of the building. After I parked my vehicle I walked over to the door which is the only way in the top of the building. There is another secret code that you enter to get in this door. After I opened the door I walked down the steps to the bottom level of the building. Walking down dark hallways with not one light on. Following it around I come to the door. Opening the door the light spilled out into the hallway and I entered the room. There was 4 or 5 people there and they were taking calls and drinking coffee and filling out paperwork. These were the people that you never hear of. People saving lives but getting no monetary compensation at all. Saving lives every night and day. I introduced myself and I knew everybody there except 1 or 2 people. I poured myself some coffee and prepared myself for a long evening. The clock ticked closer to 12:30 it was now 12:25. The chief consuelor asked me if I was nervous. I thought about it and said that I was exactly how I thought I would be so it's hard to be nervous which is o.k. with me. At 12:30 I waited for the next call. 12:35 a.m. arrived and I waited. Looking at the phone lights. Any second that telephone was going to ring and it would be my time. At exactly 12:42a.m and 32 seconds the telephone rang. The chief counselor answered the phone which is the normal process before he puts the caller on line with a counselor. After transferring the telephone to me the counselor told me that the caller was only 15 years old. I picked up the phone and began..... Hi Romy this is Rich, how are you doing tonight? Immediatly profanities and all sorts of cuss words were shouted in the phone. Somebody at Romy's house had picked up the phone and began cussing at me. The caller who's name is Romy told the cussing person to get off the line. They did. I again asked Romy what was wrong and he said that he was in a gang fight and he got beat up. It seemed to me that he couldn't take the way his friends (so called) were treating him. They put him down and talked of him as a disgrace. As Romy and I talked his friends constantly picked up the phone and interrupted. I asked him if he was thinking of killing himself? He said yes. I then asked him how and when he would do it? He said he would take the knife that he had, go out onto the front lawn, and stab himself to death. I began talking to him about what happened tonight and he said that a person named Robert had beat him up. I asked him if he was hurt physically and he said not to bad just punched in the chest and a couple of scrapes and bruises. Romy's so-called friends were picking up the telephone and laughing and teasing him as he spoke which made it terribly hard to communicate with Romy but there was too much at risk to hang up in exhaustion and aggravation. It became very clear that this call could end in tragedy. It seemed the longer I was on the phone with Romy, the more his friends taunted him and the more agitated he became. I got Romy's attention again. Romy, I said sternly and loudly. He answered me with a Yes. I then proceeded to ask him if he had any friends there that could take him away from that taunting environment? He said no. This was a shame since he said he was there with his friends. Only now did he realize that these people around him were not his friends. Since he said there were no friends there that he could count on, I asked him if there was anybody he could call to come get him? He said his dad, but he was at work. I told him to call his dad anyway. I asked Romy if the people there would let him call his dad. He said they would. Could you do that right when we hang up? I asked. Romy said he could. He seemed very eager to call his dad. I said take it easy Romy, he said thank you. We then hung up. As I walked out of the sound proof booth, where we take these calls, the room filled with applause by other volunteers that had been listening to the call on the speaker phone in the other room. I took a deep breath to gather my thoughts, smiled and said, well-how did I do? The chief counselor said I did excellent. He told me that I had the right to tell the people picking up the phone and interrupting to stay off the line. I knew that, but I thought that would be risky as that could cause them to cut in on the line even more. I felt that Romy was eager to listen to advice and that he didn't want to kill himself with the knife but he didn't want to be disgraced in the way his gang-member friends were doing it. He had agreed to call his dad and therefore I didn't want to undo any progress that I did by staying on the telephone while his friends taunted him thus escalating his anger, fear, and shamefulness. I had received many more calls this evening some by mentally ill people, some by sexual perverts wanting someone to talk to, and some people were just quite frankly, lonely. I have made it a point to tell you only the highly interesting stories so as not to bore you with these strange but true stories. While I was there I met a man age 30 named Jeff. He was a Christian, like me. We talked about 2 hours in between calls. We talked about JESUS CHRIST and how all these problems would never happen if people would follow Christ. We talked about the break down of the Family as a unit. We talked about escalating homosexuality, lesbianism, and other acts that are wrong, yes wrong. We talked about how liberal most county workers and government employees are and how things that are offensive to Christians like ourselves are being made legal and even moral in our society. Most of all we talked about how we can change things. How I wish these words that you are now reading do not go unrewarded like the lightning flashes that brilliantly flash across the sky and vanish into nothingness and are wasted in that magnificent but brief second. Jeff and I can't do it alone. We know there are people out there that think like we do but there we sat, the only 2 Christians in a place that houses over one hundred employees and volunteers. I have come to know what it means to follow Christ. I remember his words everytime I speak my belief in him and his word and then I am talked down too as a religous freak or unloving because I call Sin sin. I remember his words...."I have not come to bring peace but a sword". It takes guts to be a Christian in the 90's.

Oct. 31st Halloween eve

This evening my family went to dinner. My family consists of Mom Dad and Jill, my sister. We were never abused as a child. My parents are not alcoholics, and they have never been divorced. We have had our problems because after all, this is real life. When my sister and I were younger we rarely saw our parents except for the evening time. You see, my parents worked very hard and long hours. Now they are multi-millionaires and can spend as much time as they want with us. They are only in their 40's. We have had dramatic things happen to us. When my sister was 7 she fell out onto the freeway as we were driving over 55 miles per hour. She survived breaking only her collar bone and scrapes. I was in a terrible car accident totaling my corvette and wrapping it around a palm tree. Although the car was totalled and I did not have my seat belt on, I walked away with only minor aches and pains. My dads father, my grandfather recently died of lung cancer. I remember the nights speeding to the hospital because the doctor called my dad and told me we were losing my grandfather. I remember how I felt when I saw my dad cry uncontrollably in the front seat as my mom ran red lights to the hospital. My dad was saying it's not fair, it's just not fair. I can go on and on with other sad things that have happened to us but the main thing I want to get across is that we've had our share of problems. One day a man walked out onto his front lawn and there he saw a parrott. It was quite obviously loose and had flown from its cage and was terrified and just sat there on this mans lawn. The man put the bird inside and then went to purchase a bird cage to put the parrott in. When the man returned he put the bird inside of the cage. The parrott imediatly began fluttering his wings and singing. The parrott was safe now and felt much more secure in this environment. This is somewhat like what God does with us. He doesn't want to keep us from fun, and enjoyment. He want's to protect us from dangers and keep us safe. You yourself have had problems, I know. You and I should remember that if we say we are Christians and we truly believe it, why would we get so caught up in the problems of this life? The bible tells a story. Jesus was asked what heaven was like. He told them that heaven was like a man walking through a field one day. While walking through the field he found a treasure of extremely high value. He immediatly sold everything he had, everything, to buy the field.

Poem: Listen to the wind. What do you hear? If you listen close you can hear our spirit calling you. We are the spirits of righteousness. We are few but with the strength of legions. The roar is rising behind us. Our anger is fierce as a king with his troops and as bold as a lioness guarding her cubs. But do not be afraid of us for we hold the sword of truth. We have come to set you free. If you hear our words and open your heart to them, you will cast off these chains that hold you. We have mastered the ability to chastise with these thundering velvet hands. So listen now because you know not where the wind is coming and you know not where it goes, but this you know. You are now standing in the eye of the storm. Spread your wings and we will lift you away with us to a place where truth and righteousness are thirsted for but never satisfied.